I Shouldn't Be Allowed to Talk to Famous People

​     Sadly, it's true.
     For almost my whole life, I’ve had a crush on a rock star. Not the same one the whole time. Rather, I move on but kind of keep that previous crush close to my heart. It took a few before I realized that one of the biggest reasons it happens is because I see something in them (real or imagined) that I need — and I don’t necessarily mean in a partner. I mean as a part of me. Some part of their personality, their outlook on life, their attitude, is something I want to be. So I kind of...study them, and assimilate whatever it is over time. 
     And after using “assimilate,” I’m now imagining myself as one of the Borg.

     I guess my very first “rock star” crush (rock star? I mean...I guess) might have just been a plain old crush. I was 9 years old, and it was Davy Jones from the Monkees. He was cute, and had an equally cute British accent. The second one was Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block, when I was 12 and 13. I would be embarrassed about that but... And I suppose I chose him because he was the “tough” and “cool” one — the two absolute LAST things I was at that age. Or maybe I just thought he was cute.
     After that, though, it moved on to more respectable guys — at least in my opinion. I went through Bono, David Bowie, Martin Gore, Thom Yorke, James Hetfield, David Draiman. I’m forty-fucking-something years old and yes, I still have crushes on rock stars. It’s what I do. No, really, it is. Everyone knows it. Even my husband knows it. And yes, he definitely knew it before we were married. He’s pretty stoic about it. Like I said, it’s just what I do. 
     But I think I’ve maybe only explained to one person in my life what I think is the biggest reason behind these crushes. Really it’s just easier for everyone involved if I call it a crush and refrain from explaining, in agonizing detail, each trait I find admirable and why. Don’t get me wrong — they’re still “traditional” crushes. I still find joy in ogling them, and I’d still be more than willing to express that joy to them very personally, in a private setting. But it’s so much more than that. It’s even more than that combined with using them as some kind of “mentor.” It’s so complicated that I just leave it at “crush.” People can understand that. 
     Well...I don’t really think I should ever meet any of these guys. One has left this world, so that one’s 100% out of the picture unless he decides to haunt me. Which would be so unnecessary. There are plenty of other people that would deserve (or enjoy) that before I would.
     But of those remaining, I should never be allowed to speak to them — like, use my mouth to form words. It’s possible that I could be trusted to write a letter. I wrote one to James Hetfield and actually carried it around for over 2 years just in case. Because I knew I’d say “bu...buh...hm...I...uh” and nothing else if I ever did meet him. Or I’d say some stupid shit but not the important shit. 
      I have one example. I’ve only ever met someone once, and that’s all the proof I need that it’s just a bad idea.
   I once had the opportunity to meet the White Buffalo (real name Jake Smith), who is someone I really  admire. I didn’t have this fancy kind of crush on him — really it was just a regular old crush and that I love his music. I don’t know what it is about some people that pushes it past that and into Borg Crush territory, but whatever. So I saw him at a smaller venue, because that’s what he plays, and afterwards we just happened to notice that he had come out and was talking with fans. For once in my life I wasn’t even hoping for that to happen, and that probably gave me more courage than I normally would have had. Which...wasn’t good. We talked to him and I said the dumbest shit. I couldn’t just say “I love your music” or “I never skip any of your songs” or “Thanks for one of the most fun shows I’ve ever been to.” No. Noooooo. Why would I say that, when I could tell him that it seems like he takes little chunks of my soul and somehow makes them into songs? I remember looking into his eyes as I said it, but I have no idea what he was thinking. To his credit, he managed not to laugh, but he was probably like oh no, it’s one of THOSE. Someone save me, quick.
      If I could take it back, I would. Boy, would I.
     As we left the building, I started to cry. This, too, is what I do. Someday I’ll write about that really fun aspect of myself. But I was so overwhelmed, I just couldn’t help it. Or maybe just I knew I should’ve said something less freakish, I don’t know. 
     Regardless, the point is that I don’t want to make that mistake with any of these other guys. I never again want to leave a musician going “WTF was that?” Sure, I’d like to be memorable, but not in a bad way. 
      I guess I could write more letters, and keep them on hand...just in case.
    Or I should just beat it through my thick skull that the only thing I’m allowed to say is that they make me feel less alone, and leave it at that. Then everyone would be happy and no one would be frightened and we could all walk away feeling good about ourselves.